He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
