If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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