It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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