Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
