So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
