A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
