even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
