Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
