70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
