You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
