yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize