the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize