May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
