he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
