No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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