Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
