I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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