So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
