Sry I called you an 8
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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