Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
