I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
