dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
