life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
