I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize