my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
