drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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