Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
