I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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