i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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