I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
