I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
