I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
