there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
