It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
