90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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