my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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