Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
