Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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