who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
