Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
