she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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