Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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