If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
