I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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