I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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