Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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