Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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