I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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