the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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