upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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