she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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