I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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