I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
