This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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