Someone shit on the floor
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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