My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Randomize
