I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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