Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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