Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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